Category: Joke Board
ALCOHOROSCOPES
ARIES Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to
party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their
competitive streak makes
them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks,
and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples.
Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to
get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can
become bellicose
when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be
forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the
same for you
-- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them
last night, you sneaky Gemini.
TAURUS Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely
pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly
intoxicated
Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop
inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to
employers, the
preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and
barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that
the Bull
is by any means a teetotaller -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er,
gregarious (full of loud mouth soup, some would say) and is extremely
amusing
to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.
GEMINI Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing
their behaviour much-- they're so naturally chatty and
short-attention-spanned that
it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with
finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely
advanced state
of intoxication, like puking in your shoe.
Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt
successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several
people at once.
They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is
boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon
blanc and limoncello)
for their own amusement.
CANCER Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an
extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra
comforting, can't
it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs
must guard against lushery.
Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret
parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true
Hollywood style,
Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional"
(read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping
stories
(and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favourite
Cancer. Even your second-favourite Cancer will do. The sign also rules
the flavour vanilla,
and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.
LEO Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance --
they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as
well, losing their
commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware
they're darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know
their limit,
probably because they loathe losing self-control.
When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting
to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one what rung them. But Leo's not
the type
to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder,
Cancer) and expects a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you
the next
day.
VIRGO Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to
impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity
could lead to
drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to
drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand
loyalty.
They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh,
when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an
unbridled beast
lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and
surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going
to drink
myself into a low-level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the sub
genius IQ!
LIBRA Drinking style: "I'm jusht a social drinker,"
slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing
more than to
party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favour of Good
Libra (with Insta-Frienddevice set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra
side (they
are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room.
Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously
lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of
trouble --
including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening,
flirting with every man/woman in the room or even blacking out the
night's events
entirely. Oops!
SCORPIO Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had
enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep
tippling till
they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite.
Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you
have a problem with that. Most of them seethe sauce as something to
savour in itself,
and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed,
self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're
fascinating drinking
pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also
remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed.
Only drink with
a Scorpio who likes you.
SAGITTARIUS Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in
booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many
of their
own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with.
This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the
sign of Sinatra,
Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the
people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd
to travel somewhere
else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun.
Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue
(including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a
brilliant booty call).
CAPRICORN Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as
practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they
get left off the
astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie
and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star:
independent,
powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please.
And if they make money being themselves,
who're you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either
totally on or totally
off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and
enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook-up with a cute
groupie.
AQUARIUS Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together
that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency
toward know-it-all-ism,
and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a
stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing,
however, they're
too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they make
perfectly charming drunks in that case.
Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the
best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising
their wrist):
Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding
interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.
PISCES Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably
already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality --with
Liz Taylor,
Lisa Minnelli and Kurt Cobain.
Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in
the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build
up a mighty
tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other
hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or
in crime.
With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas
and windup in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality"
can be
read two ways, you know....
lol, I like, except I hate to dance, even when I was drunk but the flirting is a definite!
yeah that's cute, but I"m Virgo, and that's so not my drinking style! hehe
aires aries all the way
Well, I'm a gemini, and it's pretty close. lol
These are fantastic! I was just running through all my friends who were at a 21st on Friday night, and so many of them fit perfectly. Including me apparently, *sigh* the embarrassing Libra all the way.
When I find a joke I like I put it on my LJ. But because of the lengthiness I decided to break it up and put it into a quiz. So fellow bloggers if you want your own sign on your LJ instead of the entire thing. Take my quiz. It's exactly like this one so if you wanna spread the word go for it. The url is: http://quizilla.com/users/clearglass1981/quizzes/Whats%20Your%20Drinking%20Sign/